Barbie Chang Read online

man hunting her if she does not

  look in the mirror

  does she exist if she walks past men

  and they do not look

  at her is she still alive is a signified

  without a signifier

  really impossible can that which is

  signified ever become

  a signifier what is a birdfeeder

  without a bird is a

  woman the birdfeeder the bird or

  the birdseed the moon

  at night stretches on her bed like a

  blue dress when it

  goes down a child foolishly believes

  it is gone

  THE PROGNOSIS IS POOR

  The prognosis is poor again the lungs

  are out of money

  again it’s Monday again every day

  is Monday Barbie

  Chang’s mother is sleeping in the other

  room again her

  father is confused by papers again

  mumbling shuffling

  through them his thoughts are like

  shuffling cards that

  never stop someone is bringing

  another oxygen tank

  again Barbie Chang’s ambitions are

  whispering again

  she attaches a green heavy cylinder

  to thin tubes again

  everyone at school seems rude as they

  talk about their kids

  and their new skills again the women

  at school hear illness and

  interrupt with their own stories about

  their grandmothers again

  it’s tense at school the Circle ignores

  her more than usual

  they go to bars and do barre classes

  they go to the mall more

  often while Barbie Chang mulls about

  all the people God has

  killed in planes again her father refuses to

  get up from the restaurant

  table because he still wants to sign the

  receipt again Anne Carson

  calls metaphor a mind put in a state of

  war what if when a part

  of the brain dies it can no longer be at

  war the two armies never

  fight they are divided by a large hill that

  either side can never see over

  what happens when a brain is frozen in

  a state of preparation

  BARBIE CHANG GOT HER HAIR DONE

  Barbie Chang got her hair done for

  the school auction

  she was afraid sick of the Circle since

  she heard of their

  shopping for matching dresses so out

  of the nest she flew

  into the auction thinking she could

  outmaneuver her

  loneliness thinking she could overcome

  being classified thinking

  she could be an agent of her own

  classification in came

  the Circle drunk tossing coins at baskets

  one in pink one in

  green one in orange one in purple

  matching floral

  barrettes glowing like a rainbow that

  seemed low enough

  to reach to touch Barbie Chang would

  never admit it but

  she still wanted the rainbow to rain on

  her to wear bows in her

  hair that meant she belonged somewhere

  else she owed it to

  her children to make friends to blend

  into the dead end

  MR. DARCY TAKES BARBIE CHANG

  Mr. Darcy takes Barbie Chang up

  to the planetarium

  to look at stars and planets the

  more they zoom in

  the more the planets look like

  houses burning

  there are reasons for those domes

  those halves of things

  forever separating and coming back

  together those slats in

  the roof they can be controlled

  opened and closed

  unlike her mouth with its red poppy its

  dark copy sometimes at

  night electronic toys will go off

  thinking no one is

  watching she wonders who is observing

  them two terrestrial specks

  celestial sextants aligned only in the

  night if they zoom in

  they will see two fingerlike test tubes

  filled with fire

  BARBIE CHANG LOVES EVITES

  Barbie Chang loves Evites Paperless

  Party Posts that host her

  ego patch her holes she puts barrettes

  on her heart so other

  people will see her will hear her her

  heart is made of hay is

  disturbingly small held in its cage she

  is never late when invited

  always ready for mimesis ready to put

  on her costume to

  drink mimosas her heart smells like

  moth balls jumps at

  every broth bell her heart growls more

  each day she trims it with

  a number 2 it’s messy work missing

  her aorta by a little bit

  her heart is always sort of bleeding she is

  always waiting for

  invitations once she heard the Circle

  planning a birthday party

  for a daughter she stationed herself

  sipped water for days

  waiting for the Evite leaving her Kindle

  on as a nightlight it

  glowed a blue garden on the ceiling she

  let her guard down it

  never made a ringing sound when you

  brush a child’s hair the

  mother can also feel the pain she heard

  the ice skating party

  was a hit little girls going in figure

  eights their breath

  coming out in clouds shaped like

  little white hearts

  THESE MEN CAN BE COLLECTED

  These men can be collected in a cup

  or a shovel but Barbie

  Chang cannot pick each out except

  by the handful they

  each dress better have nice sweaters

  come with tags that say

  Do Not Remove they move everywhere

  they are a catalogue that

  keeps coming in the mail each only

  slightly different from

  the last this manuscript is named

  Man. 4 moon sounds

  like man the shadow on her desk is

  not hers her light

  is her heart that hurts from igniting the

  microphone she talks

  into an ear but the ear is not an ear she

  can whisper into

  it is her own ear she has never seen

  except backward

  the words keep coming from Mr. Darcy’s

  mouth and she keeps

  waiting each month for him to go back

  into the book but

  how does she turn her back if there is

  no one watching her

  BARBIE CHANG HAS NO INTENTION

  Barbie Chang has no intention of

  letting the heart win

  it’s the lungs that need her shelter

  her mother’s lungs

  sound like Velcro they crackle like a

  candy wrapper this

  year Barbie Chang has wrapped up

  the past but no matter

  how many times she cuts and pastes a

  new childhood over her

  old one her hair color is still algebraic

  it is both x and the

  solution it is metonymy for her whole

  being it is the most

  economical way to identify her when

  you know someone

  will die it is not economical t
o keep

  them alive but we try

  and try because we don’t know that

  good memories can’t start

  appearing until after someone is dead

  when waiting for someone

  to die getting ahead seems foolish

  when someone is dying

  there are always noises in the attic

  Barbie Chang hates the

  status quo wants to go back to being

  quoted wants something

  to happen cannot lie she has wished

  for someone to die

  MR. DARCY GRABS

  Mr. Darcy grabs Barbie Chang’s hand

  one that has a loop

  and can be tugged like a leash she

  wishes his hand

  were a special hand she has been trying

  to touch for years but

  his hand has no breadth or texture

  fingers too big to text

  just a hand that only knows one

  woman’s upholstery

  its fabric and stuffing Barbie Chang’s

  own hand is stiff

  scared of his letting go when he leaves

  her gasp comes out as an

  X-ray of the other woman the

  same imposter is it

  possible that she desires Mr. Darcy

  because he cannot be

  captured on film because he has no

  footsteps maybe he

  was right wing all along but if she

  knew that would she

  give the ring back the phone rings

  every day with men

  trying to sell her solar panels don’t

  they know not

  everything that burns should be

  captured and sold

  BARBIE CHANG’S FATHER CALLS

  Barbie Chang’s father calls again calls

  her again again he calls

  her still knows how to dial a cellphone

  Barbie Chang’s father has

  another problem always has a problem

  doesn’t know he is

  liminal he says Barbie Chang’s mother

  criticizes him all is wrong

  today today he calls his hands handles

  today his handles hurt

  today Barbie Chang’s mother handles

  the bad news poorly

  today the doctor thinks three months

  but says six no one can

  fix Barbie Chang’s mother once her

  mother had good hearing

  could hear anything see and smell

  everything corners were

  always too sharp too dark no hearth

  always harping on

  everyone what was wrong with everyone

  too dumb too short too tall

  not enough college collar too white

  moon too fraction

  moon too waxing when she is not yelling

  at him or asking about the

  taxes has Barbie Chang finished her

  taxes again asking about

  the taxes the same taxes or whether she

  can fix his brain she lies

  on her side thin body shaped

  like a large ear

  BARBIE CHANG WAITS

  Barbie Chang waits for Mr. Darcy to

  reappear he is her

  hound he hunts her every 43 days

  Barbie Chang has

  eaten with 129 forks since then 86

  bowls of rice she still

  has not achieved fame it still rains

  every day in her brain

  she still falls asleep in clubs playing

  techno music

  her head receives the beat her head

  is a music stand

  the conductor taps it with a lightning rod

  her brain metals all

  night it materials into Mr. Darcy they

  hold hands into the room

  two fools who think this will last

  they will eventually

  be the past too she bites his neck like

  a flea but he doesn’t

  swat her off there is no sweat because

  the scene is not real she

  has been here before on the other twin

  bed twining another body

  but always thinking of Mr. Darcy she

  always wakes in the same

  place the same room outside could be India

  could be a windy hallway of

  a hotel room with carpet worn from

  heavy pets at 20 she

  bought $40 nail clippers full

  of hope now she clips

  twenty little fingers and twenty little

  toes her daughter wants

  to grow her hair out when it is finally

  long she will be gone

  II

  DEAR P.

  1

  Five seconds to open a parachute one

  that smells like terror I am a river and

  you a body when your body fell into

  the river you informed it ignored it

  I handled you as a half masted plank or

  wooden vessel when I received you it was

  night the constellations broke their

  vertebrae arching to see you I stumbled

  over myself to key you into my folds river

  of error river of dirty whiteness now I know

  if I press hard enough on my eyeballs I see

  geometric shapes and stars my love for you

  is something like this it is there like

  the stars but nothing I can grab or free

  2

  I want to change the ending before this

  begins I want to know how to begin without

  the softness of sentimentality it exhales

  from my pencil from the edge of my hair

  through the heart as something wept seeps

  down my arm through my fingers and comes

  out as speech a soft speech sponge speech

  a speech that speaks for me and fills this page

  with seaweed green swaths of love I cross them

  out force new words storm words out through

  a straw but they take the shape of a girl’s

  handwriting there’s a heart on the lowercase i

  it looks like a microphone and when I sing into

  it my voice comes back softer like a lullaby